Here We Go Again! :(

Well, I've noticed Charlie losing his tempter lately over little stuff. I understand he's stressed. But this feels so much like my life before. He would 'woo me' until I let him back into my life, then slowly things would start back to 'normal'.
Step 1 - Seeing his jaw clench and that 'look' in his eye when getting frustrated
Step 2 - Acting out - like throwing things ie fork, tool, etc. when frustrated
Step 3 - Cursing and throwing things
Step 4 - Being rude and abusive to Customer Care people - like cashiers, etc.
These 4 steps have already occured frequently.... sigh
Here's what's to come:
Step 5 - Yelling at ME and making me feel stupid, etc.
Step 6 - Throwing things AT me or raising his fist to me and cursing me out.

After these 'steps' - my role is to go into quiet mode and not speak to him, but only tolerate him because if I speak, it makes it worse. Then he begins the woo-ing, then it starts all over again.

The number one fear I had of taking him back was that it was going to be the same old same old. Now, I know it's true. Satan won!! He convinced me it would be 'different' this time. It's not. And again, I am the FOOL that I always knew that I was. I'm a BIG fat fool!!
Charlie is probably laughing about it, too. Yep - he's still got it - the MAN that he is.
Eventually, I'll end my life or Charlie will take it from me.

FUCK IT!!

LOOK AT ME NOW!

On February 3, I gave Charlie the best gift I could give. Myself. We left on a two week vacation to North Carolina and Washington DC. We stayed in a cabin in the Smoky Mountains that Mom owns. It was an amazing trip and a wonderful start to the best 5 months of my life ever!
There are still times that I am down, unmotivated, anxious, and sad. But mostly, I'm a whole new person. :) Charlie was laid off from December until the middle of June. I cried when he left for work. I was going to miss him. Could you ever have thunk in your wildest dreams I would say that?? Well, me neither!
Kenton and Wendy have jobs here in Michigan - Praise the Lord! And they are living here for the time being while looking for a new place of their own. I'm sure they're very anxious to get their own place.
Kenton has been here for 6 weeks and Wendy for 4 so far. I think they are having a great time hanging with Dallas and Colleen and Allie. Tomorrow, we're all going to drive up to Joe and Mary's to hang with them and see their awesome new paint job on their house. I just KNOW it's going to be a good day!
I have lost 11 pounds so far. 59 pounds to go!! It's a start. A good start...
I love my life with Charlie right now. I just wish our life with D & family was better. I'll catch up soon, my confused little squirrel. Bye for now.

Sick & Healthy

Allie has been really sick lately. I hate to see those I love in pain, sick or suffering. I've tried to minister the best that I could. I hope I don't overstep my bounderies.
Today, Carrie came and we did Wii Fit. It was so good to move my bod again and have Carrie over to visit and enjoy Hazelnut Coffee & Creamer!! Gosh, I miss the 'good ole days'. Here's to getting healthy in 2011....we'll see.

Clean My Room

I so feel like ending my life. I need to print out my will. I want my room to be spotless and I need to deal with some paperwork first. But then I plan to swallow a bottle or two of Ambien and end my life. Joe & Mary think very little of me. Dallas is angry with me and won't even share details about his daughter's Dr.'s appointment with me as I may blow it out of proportion. Kenton and Wendy really only need Wendy's side of the family. As Kenton has stated - I can never compete with the Austin family, so don't even try. Chuck has got to be so tired of waiting for me. I do not want to see Rhonda again. God knows Carrie is SOOOO better off without me. I just don't serve any purpose here on earth. And I'm tired of living life. I've gotten a view and a taste of the crap there is and I'm done. Tomorrow or tonight, I'm going to finish cleaning my room so I can check that off my list. I've wanted to end my life for two years now. I can't wait any longer.

Where'd They Go??!!

Where did all my dreams go? What happens when you lose them all? When did I lose them? How do I get them back? Or how do I replace them? Do I even WANT new dreams? Do I want ANY dreams at all? My days consist of sitting in this luxury recliner doing absolutely nothing and I feel like my muscles and mind are all shriveling up. My motivation, inspiration, imagination, and zest for living have evaporated. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't care to see anybody. I don't care about eating. I feel like a shell. And I don't care if I ever have life or spark in me again.

Granny visited!

Today, Mom came up from Jes & Aaron's to visit for the day. Colleen & Allie came over, too! We went to the Depot for an early lunch. So, I left the house again today! Good for me!! It kept snowing hard, so after watching a movie together, Mom decided she'd better get back on the road before dark. I made spaghetti for dinner and Dallas, Colleen and Allie visited for awhile before they went home. I had a headache again today and I felt very overwhelmed on several of occasions. But I survived. I am very tired and looking forward to bed tonight!

A good day? Not!

Today I spent the whole day doing nothing besides the dishes and cleaning the vacuum! Pathetic? Yes! I also organized my photos on the computer - at least I tried. I had a headache today. Not sure why. Mom should be here tomorrow to spend some time. Hopefully I'll feel better then. I don't care if I ever go ANYWHERE ever again. My life is pathetic. I have no goals. I have little desire for anything. Not a good day.

D and A

Well, it's Monday morning. I'm tired and feeling very down today. I can't bring myself to go to my appt. with the Sr. today. I had better call and cancel. I haven't left the house but once in over a week and that was only a mile down the road! I know I have to get past this, but I just can't today. And Chuck actually picked up in the livingroom this morning. Kind of made me feel like I need to do more. And I do. Not that it was messy...just a few things still lingering from 'the little tornado' being here the other day! Depression and Anxiety are my enemies today. Not sure why.

She loves Elmo!

My reason for getting through day by day.

where I'm at...

Stress of the day. My brother wants to invest our monies into a 'fore sure' thing. I do not want to be a part of it. Sorry, I can't get on board. Mom is staying a few more days due to the snow storm down south. I set out some treats for a mouse I suspected was looking for a new home. He says 'Thank you". Now I can't wait to smell his decaying body in the next few days.
I managed to eat a lot of dark chocolate M&M's, two Diet Pepsis, a cup of coffee and some cheese sticks. I worked in the basement and put up the rest of the insulation that I had left over. Then I caulked and spray foamed some areas and carpeted Allie's little kitchen area. It looks warm and feels cozy. Then I worked on an air return duct. All in all, satisfying day. Took a long hot bath and shaved my legs and pits which desperately  needed it.
Tomorrow I have an appt in GR...I do NOT want to go (as usual) I hate spending the money and I just don't feel like I'm making progress.

First Entry

This morning, I thought "wouldn't it be great to write down my thoughts and feelings in order to see who I really am and what I REALLY think". Right now, I feel like those damn squirrels in my walls - confused why the lady won't quit beating on the walls to my house! Someone should trap me...cage me...and rehabilitate me. But really, I'm the only one who can rehabilitate me. So, perhaps this is a way to help myself. A way I can see myself. A way I can find hope in my life.
Today, while watching "CBS Sunday Morning Show", I found very drawn to David Sedaris and his humor. I want to read his books! That is one of my goals this week - to find one of his books and read it.